In The Eye Of The Beholder
by Starway Man
Summary: Repost,no new text. Xander suggests a beauty contest to decide whether Buffy, Willow or Cordelia will become "Miss Castaway".


**Date written:** Sat 30 April 2005

**Author:** Starway Man

**E-mail:** theopkew. The Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, Fox and WB Network. All references to "Gilligan's Island" belong to Schwartz and Schwartz. I intend no copyright infringement and if you think any money is being made from this fanfic, then you are out of your freaking mind.

**Main characters: **Angel, Buffy, Cordelia, Devon, Spike, Willow, Xander

**Rating:** PG-13

**Continuity:** This story initially starts off during season 4 of BtVS, and season 1 of Angel.

**Acknowledgments:** Thanks to Michael Sohnly's transcript of "Gilligan's Island" episode number 38 'Beauty Is As Beauty Does' (air date September 23, 1965). Thanks too to Nodakskip for comments and suggestions. This story's basic plot is an adaptation of the classic TV show written by Joanne Lee, on account of a friend figured that Xander Harris would make a great Gilligan.

**Classification:** Angel/Buffy crossover, Alternate Universe, Humor, Comedy

**Summary:** Xander suggests a beauty contest to decide whether Buffy, Willow or Cordelia will become "Miss Castaway".

**Title: **In The Eye Of The Beholder

* * *

****

Prologue: The Curse

It was the magic spell, to end all magic spells. In other words? The ultimate 'my-will-be-done' fiasco.

In the November of 1999, Willow Rosenberg was hurting badly after her boyfriend Oz had left her. In an effort to make her horrible pain go away, she dabbled in magicks that she should've known better not to...

In any case, through a quirk of fate, Willow wound up talking to her best friend from childhood called Xander Harris. But unfortunately, the guy didn't pay attention to her at the right time, in that dingy basement apartment of his; on account of the male teen was watching a rerun of the old TV show called "Gilligan's Island", of all things.

Hurt and annoyed, Ms. Rosenberg told her bestest bud that he had to grow up, or he'd end up living his life as a TV show...

Her eyes briefly glowed blue. And then, in an instant, everything changed.

A select group of people that he knew, people who were associated with the life of Xander Harris, suddenly found their existences turned upside-down and altered completely out of recognition.

Because at the very next moment, they were all clinging for their lives to a small ship, somewhere in the Pacific. And because real life is not a TV show, some of them didn't make it through that hellish storm.

Of the Scooby Gang...only Xander, Willow, Buffy Summers and Spike survived to reach land. Of the Fang Gang...only Angel and his secretary Cordelia Chase made it ashore as well.

And oddly enough, there was one other survivor; the musician known as Devon MacLeish.

Apparently, he'd been in LA visiting Cordelia, who was an ex-girlfriend; and the rock 'n roll band member had gotten caught up in the spell due to his proximity to her. The problem was that Devon had had no idea about the true state of things in this world, that contained magic and demons; and so he went into a state of complete denial for quite a while, before finally accepting the truth.

On the island, the seven castaways talked, and soon everyone realized that Willow's hit-and-miss ability with magic was responsible for their current situation. After a number of cringing apologies, the redhead tried to undo what she'd unwittingly done; but found that she couldn't.

Her powers didn't work here, wherever 'here' was.

It quickly became obvious that their sanctuary was also some sort of magical prison; things could come in, but not get out. At least, not beyond a certain distance from the shoreline. So, basically, they were all stuck on the island. With no phones, no lights, no motor cars. Not a single luxury.

For teenagers who had grown up in southern California, it really WAS like being sent to a hell dimension...

Still, not all of them were helpless; Angel quickly took charge and organized everyone, like out of an episode of 'Survivor'. And over the next few months, life settled into a routine. As luckily, there were no dangerous predators around; even though Xander of all people found a lone female great ape, that he named 'Drusilla'.

Just to make Angel and Spike extremely annoyed, of course...

In any case, all the castaways were seated around the communal table for dinner one evening, during the summer of the year 2000. A battered old ship's radio was playing, but there was a lot of meal chatter as well; Willow and Buffy were by far the most vocal of the group, and Devon was having trouble hearing a news report because of that.

The guy finally said, "Willow? Buffy. Guys - quiet, please!"

The radio DJ babbled, "...New York. In other news, Jacqueline Lyndhurst from LA was last night selected as-"

Cordelia suddenly started listening very intently.

"-the lead actress in the upcoming TV series, 'Nurses'-"

Cordelia exclaimed, "Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!" She violently turned off the radio, "Well, that's just great! I knew her, we went for how many auditions together! And ya know what? I could have beaten her for that role, with my hair up in curlers and my two front teeth blacked out!"

Devon stood up. "Hey, Cordelia, we all know you could have won that role if you'd been there. I mean, in the looks department alone, I'm sure that woman can't even compare to you! That's why I propose a toast. To Cordelia, the most beautiful castaway in the whole wide world!"

He raised his cup for the toast. She smiled, "Thanks, Devon..."

Xander stood up. "Here's to Cordelia!" He raised his cup and took a long, cool drink of spring water; thirsty after a hard day's work. And that was building separate huts, for all the castaways.

One for Angel and Buffy, one for Cordy and Willow, one for Devon and Spike - and of course, one for himself. On account of Angel and Spike were both human, nowadays. The spell had transformed them thus, for some reason; and the guy once called Liam had proposed to the vampire Slayer less than two weeks later.

And to no one's surprise, they'd soon married themselves on the beach with their Claddagh rings in an Irish common law ceremony, and were now living together as husband and wife.

As Xander sat down Buffy suddenly said, "You know, just my opinion, but there's a lot more to beauty than just having the perfect face and figure. It also means having a soul. Not being part of the big darkness, that's always out there in the world somewhere..."

Angel stood and raised his glass. "She's right...that's true. And in my opinion, Buffy is the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Buffy smiled. "Thanks, honey."

Xander stood once again. "Here's to Buffy!" And he took another drink, before sitting down again.

Then Spike found his voice. "Hang on, I'm gonna hafta inject my own opinion into this!" He stood and raised his cup. "There's another lady 'ere, who's chock full o' sweetness and warmth; and I speak as one who knows. The woman I'd pick as the most beautiful in the world. Willow!"

Spike had attached himself to her like a lifeline, in point of fact, in trying to deal with having to care...about all the crimes he'd committed for over a century. The restoration of his soul, in addition to his humanity, had hit William the Bloody really hard, and so he'd coped by hanging out with the guilt-filled redhead.

Ms. Rosenberg looked a bit startled as she whispered, "Oh, wow. Thanks, Spike..."

Xander stood for the third time. "Here's to Willow!" The young man raised his cup for another toast, and chugged down another pint of liquid.

Devon looked around at all his companions. "Well, it'd seem that there's a difference of opinion here. But hey, I don't see any reason for argument! Let's say that Cordelia is the most beautiful, eh...Buffy...is certainly the most soulful...and last but not least, Willow is the sweetest."

Xander agreed, "Yeah, let's say that!" He stood and raised his cup AGAIN. But Angel looked annoyed...

"Let's NOT say that! I said that Buffy is the most beautiful woman in the world...and that's precisely what I meant!"

Spike put in his own two cents, "And beggin' yer pardon, but when I said that Willow was the most beautiful girl on the planet, that's exactly what I meant too!"

Xander then did something he shouldn't have; he got an idea. "I know, I know! Let's have a beauty contest to settle this. And we could pick a...a Miss...Miss Castaway!"

All three 19-year-old girls looked up at hearing this. Cordelia said wide-eyed, "Ooooh! A beauty contest? Yeah, that sounds like fun!"

Buffy nodded. "Right, right, I think it's a great idea too! Like ninth grade, all over again!"

Willow agreed, "Okay! You guys, see you on stage! And may the best girl win!"

Cordy and Buffy said simply, "Okay!"

All the ladies then got up and walked off, to start getting ready for the contest. This left the guys staring at Xander...

Angel was the first to say it. "Oh, crap. Xander, what kind of can of worms have you just opened?"

Xander was confused. "What?"

Spike looked contemptuous. "You really are a complete wanker, aren't you Harris? You 'ave no idea what you've just started!"

Xander still didn't get it. "But all I said was that we should just have a friendly little beauty contest-"

Devon interrupted, "Three incredibly beautiful girls, competing to see who's the best-looking among them? How the hell can this possibly end well?"

Xander was then left standing there alone, not fully understanding the problem he'd just created, as the three men departed - to begin their campaign with their respective women.

* * *

****

Part I: The Preparation

The next day Cordelia was in a dramatic pose, wearing an incredibly skimpy brown bathing suit in her and Willow's hut. And Devon was acting as her beauty contest coach, trying not to drool in incredible lust...

Cordelia said impatiently, "Well, how do I look?"

Devon walked over to her, and tried to get his mind back on business. "Cordy, believe me, you look like a supermodel! But, uh, what about the talent part of all this?"

The girl looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oh! Well, I was thinking of doing a scene from my last theatre audition, it's very dramatic..."

Devon nodded. "Okay, good! Let's hear it!"

The young man was looking excited, as the former cheerleader prepared herself to get in character. Cordelia started off, "I surrender to our passions, my love-"

Xander suddenly entered the hut, not knowing that Cordelia was rehearsing. "Hey, Devon. I just finished constructing the stage platform-"

Ms. Chase kept going. "Willingly! Gladly!"

Xander ignored her. "So, you need anything else? I mean..."

Getting caught up in the moment, Cordelia grabbed Xander tightly as she said her lines. "I want to go where you go!"

Harris stared at her in disbelief. "What?"

"Lift me to the heavens, my love! Sweep me off my feet! Oh please, take me with you wherever you go. Carry me off!"

Xander was shocked at her confession, but also somewhat pleased too; as his romantic relationship with Anya Jenkins had been only in its infancy, when it had been abruptly terminated by the spell. Cordy then demanded, "Now!"

Thinking his ex wanted to get back together with him, the young man simply said, "Well, uh, this is kinda unexpected! But I'll try, sweetheart. So, Cor...where exactly did you want me to carry you off to again?" Xander then tried to lift Cordelia off the ground...

Coming back down to earth, the former starlet tried to push him away. "Hey! Xander! Knock it off!"

Devon ran to get Xander off of his contestant, very annoyed at the guy. "What are you doing, Harris?"

Cordelia finally shoved her ex-boyfriend aside. "That's it - leave me alone, you dweeb! I'm busy!"

Poor old Xander didn't get it, as he looked for an explanation from the other member of the Y chromosome club. "But, but she said to sweep her off her feet, and take her up into the heavens! I thought..."

Devon snapped impatiently, "Look, can't you see that we're trying to get ready for the contest? What the hell do you want, anyway?"

The guy shrugged, and decided a straight answer was his safest bet. "Well, I finished constructing the stage, so I thought I'd come over..."

Devon said, "All right, you want something else to do, is that it?" He handed Xander a pail. "Here. Go catch us some shrimp for lunch or something. Now get out!"

Xander stared at him. "Dude, ya don't have to yell!"

"Yes, I do have to...will you just GO?"

Xander ran out of the hut, leaving Devon to cool down - from almost acting like the girl named Harmony Kendall. And about 30 seconds later, he was calm enough and said, "Now, Cordy, let's take it from the top..."

* * *

Elsewhere, Spike and Willow were walking towards the island's local lagoon, using a pathway that the gang had created over the months. The human male was carrying a hand-made basket, while Willow was looking self-conscious but majorly attractive in her new red-colored two-piece bikini.

The witch stammered, "Well, Spike, I-I bet you never thought you'd be coaching a girl in a beauty contest on a desert island, this time last year..."

Spike nodded. "Guess not! But look, Red, trust me. Plan I've got, it'll prove unbeatable. You're sure to win!"

The former vampire started taking things out of the basket he was carrying. "Look...blackberry thistle for darkening the lashes, powdered acanthus to use as lipstick...and codfish oil for that ultimate baby-soft skin!"

Willow stared at him. "And you don't think all that will give me hives, or whatever?"

William brushed her concern aside. "Now, now! Leave it all to me, pet. By the time I'm through with you, you'll make Spordelia and Britney look like dropouts from boys town!"

Ms. Rosenberg pointed, "Well, uh, what's the fishing pole for?"

The former poet instantly replied, "Ah, glad ya asked. It's to provide you with some sort o' isometric exercise!"

Willow was intrigued. "Isometric exercise?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah, latest thing the professionals go on about on the radio. To improve the general physique, 'n all."

The redhead shook her head. "Spike! I just want to beat Buffy and Cordelia in a beauty contest, not go six rounds with Mike Tyson!"

The guy tried to get her to calm down. "I'll just attach the hook to your bathing suit, luv. Plan is you get in that lagoon, and you swim just as hard as you possibly can; I'll hold you in place."

Willow gave up and turned around, allowing Spike to attach a hook to the back of her bathing suit. "You really think this'll help me win?"

Spike nodded again, "Yeah, yeah, this'll build up yer muscle tone and all..."

The female genius finally consented to the plan. "All right, but just as long as I don't come out of the water looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

Spike chuckled in honest amusement. "Don't worry, ya won't. Now get in there, and swim yer heart out!"

Willow walked towards the lagoon, entered the water and walked out a short way. "Hold on tight!"

She began to swim, as Spike held the fishing pole with all his might. To the casual observer, it looked as though he was fighting to haul in a big fish...

And as luck would have it, Xander walked out of the jungle right then from behind the British man, and saw Spike struggling with the fishing pole. Not seeing Willow in the water, he just assumed William the Bloody had caught a really huge prize for himself...

"Hey, Spike, you hooked a big one!" So saying, Xander dropped his pail and grabbed the fishing pole to help.

Spike instantly demanded, "Oy! What are you doing?"

The male comedy banter routine then began. "I'm gonna help ya reel him in! Come on, let's do this-"

"No! It's not - look, bugger off, I'm busy!"

"Hey! Don't let go, he'll get away!"

Not far away, Willow was unaware that Xander thought she was a fish, and kept on swimming hard. Back on land Spike snarled, "Stop it, ya bleedin' tosser, I told ya I'm busy! Just-"

"And I told you I'll help! Come on, Liveboy! 'Cause I'm in the mood for something new at dinner tonight."

"Harris!"

"Don't let him get away!"

"Knock it off! I'm warning you!"

"Concentrate! You're gonna lose him, Spike!"

"Get off, ya bloody moron!"

At that moment Willow's top failed to be able to take the strain anymore, and ripped loose. It flew back, and the material hit Spike and Xander directly in the face, as they both fell backwards onto their asses.

Willow screamed, "WHA-!" Then she spun around, and let out another indignant shriek. "Spike-!"

Back on shore, Xander started examining the bikini. "Huh, must have been a girl fish...?"

Willow crossed her arms over her breasts, as she tried to cover herself up and then spied her oldest friend. "Xander! Ohhh!"

Both Spike and Xander instantly realized that Willow was naked, and quickly covered their eyes. Harris was unable to help himself, though, and took a quick peek between his fingers - before berating himself for such ungentlemanly behavior.

Spike said it best, "Bloody hell! Now what?"

Xander gave Spike a nudge, as both men got up. "You go get her! I gotta get to minimum safe distance here..."

* * *

Elsewhere on the island Angel was coaching Buffy, who was doing rudimentary Slayer warm-up exercises in her own lime-green bikini. Angel was also performing the exercise, as he didn't want to lose any more of his edge than he had to.

They soon started sparring, and since he didn't have his vamp superpowers anymore - Buffy easily won. But the blonde Chosen One didn't waste any time enjoying the taste of her victory; as many troublesome thoughts invaded her brain.

The thing was, even though this was practically paradise - she had all her friends, her husband and there were no vampires or demons around that she needed to slay - Buffy couldn't shake off the feeling that she was trapped in a gilded cage. And that people were dying elsewhere, because she wasn't there to save them...

But she needn't have worried; the Initiative was still there and taking care of things for Buffy, on the Hellmouth. And what was more - the dark Slayer named Faith LeHane had woken up back in February, and upon discovering that Sunnydale was now Scooby-free...she had ended up in LA, taking Angel's place after eventually deciding to continue with her calling.

So with nothing else to do, and focusing on the here and now, Ms. Summers quickly spoke her mind. "Angel, come on! I mean, what are we doing? How am I gonna win this beauty contest?"

Angel replied at once, "Buffy? You're the Slayer! And no other girl can beat the Chosen One!"

Buffy stared at him. "Sure, but the question is - does Xander think that?"

The former vampire didn't get what she meant. "He has to! I mean, are you or are you not hot enough to be the most beautiful woman in the room, wherever you go?"

Buffy smiled, secretly pleased. "Yeah, Angel, but think about it. The vote's gonna be a three-way tie between Willow, Cordy and myself. Unless of course, we can convince Xander to vote for me somehow...?"

Angel was still on the ground after the sparring match, and got a sneaky smirk on his face. "Hey...are you suggesting that I'm the type of man who'd try and influence the judge, in a fair contest like this?"

Buffy pushed Angel onto his back, and straddled his waist. "Yeah, sweetheart. Because ever since you became human, we both know that you do what you want - to get what you want! It's part of why I love you..."

Angel smiled, enjoying the feel of his beloved on his belly. "Does that include...naming our first child Connor?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, knowing what her man was really asking. "Could you possibly stop being such a guy, for a moment? I swear - men really do have only one thing on their minds, all the time!"

Angel looked impressed. "Wow. We're married for just a few months, and you know me so well! But anyway, getting back to the beauty contest - every man has needs. And right now...all I need is Xander."

Buffy giggled slightly at the implications of that thought, as Angel just stared at her in confusion. Before he finally got it too, and went all red in the face. "Don't go there, Buffy - please!"

But the Slayer wouldn't stop laughing, until Angel finally shut her up the only way he knew how...

* * *

Back in the girls' hut, Devon and Cordy were still going at it. The man said almost sycophantically, "Okay, Cordelia, let's try that acting scene again..."

But Ms. Chase had something to say first. "You know, Devon, I was thinking...and thing is, I don't think we should have yelled at Xander like that earlier this morning."

"Why not?"

Cordy tried to explain, "Well, because um, Angel is gonna vote for Buffy, and Spike is gonna vote for Willow, and that just leaves Xander to elect Miss Castaway..."

Devon shrugged. "Well, I know, but he has to vote for you. After all, you guys seriously dated, and wa...I mean, you're the obvious winner!"

Luckily, Cordelia didn't let the praise go to her head. "Okay, thanks for that, but sometimes the obvious favorite doesn't win! Remember Homecoming? Plus, don't forget my history with the guy. Like it or not, I made Xander's life hell for months after that...that...fling with Willow!"

MacLeish nodded slowly. "You got a point there. And there's also the fact that Harris is kind of tenderhearted; he just MIGHT vote for the underdog here..."

Cordelia gestured, "That's right. So, ah, we're gonna have to do something to convince Xander to vote for me?"

"Yeah, you're absolutely right. We need him on OUR side of the sidelines for this, if you know what I mean..."

Devon then honestly tried to figure how to guarantee Xander's vote. He looked up, "I take it you sneaking into his hut tonight and seducing the guy, is like totally out of the question?"

Instantly furious, Cordelia punched him in the face - and her coach was at once knocked out cold from the force of the blow.

* * *

Right then on another part of the island, Willow was standing with a stack of books balanced on her head, as she tried to walk upright. Spike said comfortingly, "Just think tall, ducks. Stand up straight, and walk like you're Queen Victoria. They used to do this all the time with the birds back in London, during the l9th century..."

Willow stopped, and took the books off her head. "Look, I-I appreciate all the effort you've gone to, Spike, but let's face it - it's no use. I mean, Cordelia's just too glamorous, and Buffy's too darn...buff-"

"Here now, I'll not tolerate that sort o' negative thinking! Look, do you or do you not wanna be Miss Castaway?"

The redhead responded, "Well, of course I do! But, well, do you really think I can get Xander's deciding vote?"

Spike snorted, "You're his best friend, aren't ya? 'Course you can..." Then he paused. "Still...huh. Now that I come to think of it, we were kinda harsh on the useless pillock this morning, weren't we?"

Willow reassured him at once, "Well, I'm sure Xander'll still vote fairly."

The man shook his head, "Just the same, luv, we've got to remedy the situation. We need that ponce on our side..."

* * *

At the same time not far away, Xander was walking along a jungle path, talking to himself as he plodded along. "All I try to do is help. And I DO help - I've even saved the world once, all by my lonesomeness! And yet everybody still thinks I'm useless, and just yells at me..."

At this point Xander had walked under a large tree branch, where Drusilla the ape was perched. Dru instantly started whooping and making gestures at Xander, who looked up at her. "Drusilla? What is it?"

Dru made more ape noises, as if she was trying to communicate with him. Xander said, "Look, don't share your troubles with me right now, okay? I've got enough of my own. I mean - what am I gonna do, Dru? I don't want it to always be like this..."

The female hominid responded with more sounds and gestures, that Xander somehow seemed to understand. "Tell 'em to stop walking all over me? Yeah? And be firm? Okay. You're right, that's it. From this moment on, there's a new Xander in town. No more butt-monkey in the jungle! Yeah, the Zeppo is officially no more!"

* * *

Devon and Cordelia were setting up the table in the communal area, as they waited for Xander to arrive for lunch. Harris then started walking towards them through the jungle, and quickly got spotted by the former teen couple.

Cordelia exclaimed, "Oh! Here he comes, Devon! Let's do this-"

Xander came walking out of the trees, with a determined look on his face. Devon immediately approached him, and made the newcomer sit down at the table. "Xander, buddy, you're just in time. We saved the biggest shrimp for you!"

Xander looked suspicious, suspecting a trap. "Oh no you don't. I'm not taking any more of this sort of treatment!"

Cordelia put a large plate with a piece of shrimp on it in front of Xander, and sat next to him - so as to emphasize the presence of her ample cleavage. She got so close that they were almost cuddling, and the former class clown instantly noticed...

"Oh please, Xander, it's really delicious. And hey, I cooked it especially for you!" she said seductively.

Harris looked confused. "Uh, thanks, Cordy, but I thought - you were just Chips 'n Dips girl, still? Not to mention, mad at me from this morning?"

Cordelia gestured with her classic megawatt smile, "Ancient history, and this is a special occasion. Just to make up for how we treated you a few hours ago!"

Xander shrugged, accepting that as Cordelia got up again. "Okay, then I guess it's worth a shot..."

Devon nodded, "So here's a meal fit for my old high school buddy!"

Xander had no idea what they were up to, and just thought his new mentality was already getting him some respect around here. "Ooooh, yeah! This is more like it!"

Just then, Spike and Willow walked over to the trio, carrying another platter of food. William exclaimed, "Harris, you don't want that!" So saying, he slid Devon's plate away.

Xander replied in confusion, "Huh? Yes I do!"

"No you don't!" the former bloodsucker insisted.

Devon slid the plate back in front of Xander. "Yes he does!"

Spike slid it away again. "No, he doesn't!"

Willow placed their plate in front of Xander. "Here, Xander, try this - it's really much better!"

Spike finished up the spiel, "Go on, taste it! I picked the fruits and veggies meself!"

Xander took a big bite out of a passionfruit. He then said with his mouth full, "It's good!"

Cordelia wasn't about to take that, though. "Oh no you don't!" She yanked the fruit away and removed Spike's plate, angrily shoving it at Willow. "Mine is much better, Xander, really!"

Devon placed his plate in front of Xander once again. Willow gave her plate to Spike, who took Devon's meal and replaced it with his. "Vitamin C, mate, Vitamin C! Exactly what a whelp like you needs, to grow all big and strong!"

Xander said sarcastically, "Oooooh, I can hardly wait!"

Just then Harris went sliding to the left, as Buffy pressed upon the edge of the bench - and gravity pulled him down towards her. She and Angel had set up yet another plate of food down at the other end of the table, and so Xander slid to a stop right in front of his new meal.

The Summers girl said charmingly, "Xander, we made all this just for you. And it's especially perfect, for your like bottomless stomach!"

Angel said ingratiatingly, "Here, Xander, try this. You're thirsty, right?" The dark-haired older guy then offered Xander a taste of something in a hand flask. Shrugging, Harris took a sip - and then started choking and coughing madly.

"Made it myself, old Irish recipe; it's gotta beat that coconut juice I know you drink, any day of the week. So, what do you say? Want some more?"

Just then, Xander got pulled back towards the other end of the table, as an irate Cordy hauled him away and demanded imperiously, "Hey! Come back over here, you dorkhead!"

Bumping and sliding along, Xander ended up right back where he'd started. At the other end of the table, with Devon's plate in front of him. And the musician in question said, "Right, now eat that shrimp Xander!"

Ms. Chase then tried to make up for her previous insult, turning on the charm. "Because we want you to be happy!"

Spike took Devon's plate away again, and replaced it with his own. "Well, so do we!"

Willow added, "Xander's happiness means more to us, than anything in the whole world!"

But by this time, Xander had had enough. "Well, hey - if everyone's all about the happy, then why the hell are you all so mad at each other?"

Devon said in a conciliatory way, "Hey, Xander, we don't want to worry you with that. We know that whatever your decision'll be, it'll be unbiased!"

But the only child of two drunks - who by now, in fact, had forgotten that they even HAD a son - still didn't get it. "My decision about what?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Well, about who wins the beauty contest, of course!"

Willow added, "'Cause we respect your integrity, Xander. That's why we're glad you have the deciding vote in this thing."

Xander looked like a deer caught in headlights. "Deciding vote? Me? No, look, I-I don't want to be the judge of this contest!"

Angel shrugged. "You don't exactly have a choice in the matter, Harris. And for the record, I'm sure that you'll do the right thing and cast the deciding vote for Buffy."

Devon looked instantly upset and annoyed. "No, for Cordelia!"

Spike, ditto. "No! For Willow!"

Young Mr. Harris just wanted the madness to end, for the moment. "Look, I'm not going to vote for anybody right now! Cordelia, Willow or Buffy! No. Uh-uh!"

Spike instantly took his plate off the table. "That's gratitude? Right then, we'll just take our meal elsewhere!"

Spike and Willow walked off in the direction of her hut. Xander, FINALLY realizing that he was losing the free food, tried to backpedal, "Guys, I was just kind of joking. Please, don't get mad at me..."

Cordelia wasn't buying it. "Come on, Devon, let's motor!"

MacLeish grabbed his food away also, as he and the brunette headed off in the direction of his hut. Buffy added in her opinion, "Angel, let's go. We'll have our food in our bedroom!"

Angel nodded. "Damn right!"

They too took their meal and stalked off...and a hungry Xander found himself left with nothing to eat. So he grabbed a banana out from his pocket, and just as Harris was about to dig in - Drusilla the ape jumped in and yanked the fruit from him, before running off to enjoy her ill-gotten gains.

Xander was left with no food, and just a depressed look on his face. Slowly, he dabbed his mouth with his unused napkin, and wondered what the hell could possibly happen to him next.

* * *

****

Part II: The Contest

An hour later Xander and Drusilla were walking through the jungle together, as the former Halloween soldier vented his annoyance to the ape over what had happened today. "Friendly little beauty contest, my ass. You know what I think, Dru? It's about as friendly as the Vietnam war!"

Devon was suddenly heard calling out, from a short distance away. "Xander?"

The ape panicked, and jumped up the branch of a tree. Xander said reassuringly, "Hey, Dru! It's okay, it's just Devon! I promise, it's all right..."

But the animal just took off into the jungle, as the musician arrived onto the scene. "Xander! Xander, where are you? Oh, there you are. Look, I've gotta talk to you..."

Xander shrugged, trying to be polite. "Okay - what'd you want to talk about, Devon?"

"Xander, there's a million broken hearts for every star in Hollywood, and we have one right here on this island!"

"A star from Hollywood?" For some reason, Harris thought that someone had actually breached their prison - and they now all had a chance to go home.

Devon sighed, "No, you idiot, a broken heart! Now, think about it. If you practically had Hollywood at your feet, and then it was all smashed to smithereens, what would you do?"

Xander replied with confusion, "Stay away from LA?"

The 20-year-old guy tried to keep his temper intact. "Xander? Please. We're talking about Cordelia, the girl whose heart you broke into a million pieces nearly two years ago! Any way you wanna paint it, you hurt her; that's why you need to give Cordy back a piece of her Hollywood dream. She has to win this beauty contest! You have to make it up to her, for the way you treated the girl who loved you - once upon a time..."

Xander looked deeply ashamed. "Huh...I guess you're right, Devon. Cordy deserves to win..."

"That's right, pal. That she does!" Devon, satisfied with his argument, patted Xander on the shoulder as he swiftly departed.

* * *

Later, Xander was once again walking along a path through the jungle, when all of a sudden a foot poked out from along the path; tripping him to the ground. The human version of William the Bloody then came out of the bushes, "Harris?"

Xander groaned, this was turning out to be one lousy day; it was almost like he was back home on the Hellmouth! "Down here..."

Spike helped Xander off the ground. "There you are! I'm delighted that you dropped by, mate. Gives me a chance to talk to you. To appeal to your reason. Your...uh, intellect!"

Xander wasn't sure where this was going, so he just shrugged and went with it. "Okay, Spike, appeal away-"

William instantly launched his attack. "Look - there's a girl on this island to whom victory would be the pinnacle, the attainment of all her unspoken dreams, her unfulfilled desires. Do you know who I'm talkin' about?"

Harris looked confused again. "Spike, right now I don't even know WHAT you're talking about!"

Spike looked completely exasperated. "All right, follow me on this dummy...now, first off there's the Prom Queen. Well, she's made her mark in the world. She was rich as, and for the rest of her life she can talk about her damn acting career. Or lack thereof, thanks to what happened with that bloody spell!"

Xander shrugged. "Right."

"Next, let's consider the bottle blonde. She's finally gotten her one twue wuv, magnificent poof though he is, and as an added bonus she's the sodding Slayer. Everyone in the demon world knows about her! Right?"

"Can't argue with you there..."

Spike smiled, thinking he was finally getting somewhere. "And finally, there's Willow...pretty, sweet, innocent little Willow. Or maybe not so innocent no more, ever since Dog Boy left her! Now, what does she have that could be considered really and truly fabulous?"

Xander contemplated that. "Her seashell collection, and the Sabrina thing back home?"

William looked like he was barely restraining the urge to punch his companion's lights out. "Oh, TRY to understand what I'm sayin' Droopy Boy! Willow needs to be Miss Castaway, for reasons the other two can't possibly match. And you can do this for her, mate. You HAVE to do this for her! On account of a friend in need, is a friend indeed! And you're her best friend, right?"

The 19-year-old boy instantly said, "Yeah, of course I am. I suppose...I guess you're right, Spike, Willow deserves to win..."

Spike, satisfied that the judge was now going to vote for his girl, put an arm around Xander's shoulders and smiled. "Ahhhhhh, good. Knew I could count on you to do what's right!" And like Devon before him, the British guy then departed.

* * *

Half an hour later Xander was sitting on a log along with Drusilla, talking to the ape about the beauty contest. "You see, on the one hand Devon's right, and Cordelia should win. But on the other hand, Spike's also right and Willow should win. Oh, man, what a mess. Only an idiot would get himself into a situation like this..."

Drusilla started making loud whoops and arm movements as if to say 'yes, you're an idiot'. Then Xander said to the ape, "What do I do? I don't know, there must be an answer to the problem somewhere..."

Angel came close enough, and upon smelling him - in an instant, Drusilla bolted for the trees. The human then sat down right where the ape had been sitting, next to Xander. The former construction worker didn't notice the switch and said, "Yeah, I really don't know. I just wish somebody'd simply tell me what to do..."

Angel obliged. "I'd be very happy to tell you, Xander."

"Thanks..." Xander's eyes suddenly opened wide, as he thought Drusilla was talking to him, and turned to look at her. He saw a man-like shape, let out a womanly shriek and leaped off the log. "Ahhhh!"

Then he relaxed, upon seeing the other man also stand up. "Oh, Angel, it's you-"

"Yeah, it's me! Look, Xander, I'm a results-oriented kind of guy these days. So, what'll it cost to get your vote? Money? A job? Controlling interest in the detective agency, when we get back home? What?"

Xander couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Deadboy, are you trying to bribe me!"

Angel instantly went in damage control mode. "Uh...no! I was just, ah, testing your honesty. And may I say, you came through with flying colors!"

Even giving Angel the benefit of the doubt, Xander was still very suspicious. "And you're not trying to influence me in any way?"

"Oh, heck no! No way at all. Let's, ah, sit down and chat a while, shall we?"

Harris sat back down on the log, trying to decide if his former nemesis was being honest here. "Okay, what about?"

"Buffy, of course!" was the reply from the former undead.

"Oh? What's her problem?"

Angel replied, "In a nutshell; her pride. I mean, look at it this way. Buffy, the one girl in all the world who's been chosen to be the Slayer, competing in a contest like this? What'll it indicate to her, if she loses? And what kind of message would you be sending to the woman you once loved, with all your heart?"

"What?" It never even occurred to Harris that Angel was actually trying to play that angle. Buffy had chosen his rival right from the start, after all...

The husband and soon-to-be father sighed. "All right, lemme put it like this; Xander, she's personally saved the world nearly half a dozen times here. So who do you think deserves some sort of recognition, some sort of honor for everything they've sacrificed as the Chosen One?"

Xander got off the log again and said fervently, "Buffy does! Buffy does!"

"Absolutely right! And hey, you know, a vote for Buffy is a vote for all of the Slayers that have ever existed. ALL of the Chosen, who've sacrificed their lives for the cause. Xander, tell me, deep down - are you still a Slayerette?"

Xander stood up straight and tall. "Heck, yes, I am! I'm Buffy's Slayerette, and proud of it! I'd do anything for her!"

Angel smirked. "Now that's what I wanted to hear!" Satisfied that Xander would vote his way, the former Irishman clapped him on the shoulder and started striding off, leaving the other man alone. Then Harris suddenly realized what had just happened, and his lower jaw fell in dismay.

"Uh-oh. On the one hand, there's Cordelia. On the other hand, there's Willow. And now it looks like I'm gonna need a third hand, for Buffy..."

* * *

The next day, the contest was about to start. Spike was standing in front of a makeshift curtain on the wooden stage, having drawn the short straw to be the host of the show. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome, ladies and gents, to the first annual Miss Castaway contest!"

The two members of the audience started yelling, clapping and whistling with excitement as Spike pulled back the curtain, revealing the female visions of loveliness. "And the contestants are, number one...Willow Rosenberg!"

Devon and Angel quietly started clapping, and watched with little interest. Willow then quickly attempted to walk along the stage, in the classic supermodel glide across the catwalk. Spike was the only one really clapping for her; and Xander was sitting at his judge's table - not looking terribly interested in things, so far.

"That's lovely, pet..." Spike said, as Willow finished strutting her stuff and went to sit down. He then went on, "Number two! Cordelia Chase."

Cordelia made her way out onto the stage, just as Willow had - but doing the routine much better. Only Devon seemed excited about her performance though, and started whistling and clapping madly. "That-a-girl, Cordelia!"

The former princess then turned, and walked back down the stage; looking very poised and regally reassured. Devon kept up the cheers, "Oh, yeah! You look wonderful, Cordy!"

At his table, Xander stared at the stage - but he still wasn't looking too interested in the proceedings. Spike noticed that and finished up, "And ah, last but not least...Buffy Summers!"

Buffy quickly took to the stage, just like Cordy and Willow had. Her performance was roughly midway between that of the brunette and the redhead, and Angel called out, "Go, Buffy! You're the Slayer! You're MY Slayer, sweetheart!"

Buffy soon turned and walked back down the stage, heading back towards her two female friends. Her husband then said to the world at large, "There ya go. Could there BE anyone more perfect for the title?"

Xander was still watching with apparent disinterest, though. And even though they tried not to let it affect them, the other three guys in question were getting worried about that. Angel said, trying to keep up his spirits, "Yeah! That's my Buffy we're talking about!"

Spike rolled his eyes at his grandsire's antics, hoping that he himself would not one day act like such a fool in love. "Right, then, thank you ladies..."

Buffy finished her parade and sat down, as Spike got on with the contest. William said, "Now, the first event is worth 25 points, and it's a test of charm, poise and sincerity. Each contestant will share their views with us, give us all a short speech - that sort o' thing."

Everyone clapped and Devon whistled, as Spike gestured to the three contestants. "The first contestant, Willow..."

The redheaded wiccan got up, and stood before the judge and spectators. The guy born back in the 1850's said to her, "Now you just relax, luv, and tell us all in your own sweet 'n charming way, what it is that you want most out of life!"

Xander was patiently waiting for Willow to start, and that obviously made her even more nervous than ever.

"Whenever you're ready..." Spike finished up.

Willow cleared her throat, took a deep breath and began. "I-I-I would like a world without strife, universal harmony, international goodwill, where the sp...spirit of brotherhood enriches all of humankind, forever - thank you."

Spike was the only one who clapped. Devon said cuttingly, "Oh my God, Yoko, how lame was that?"

Everyone else ignored him. Spike said charmingly, "Thank you, thank you Willow for that sincere, unselfish, 'n unrehearsed speech. Thank you, it was great. Please be seated. And now, for contestant number two-"

Devon started his clapping and whistling, of course. "Go, Cordelia! Come on!"

Spike scowled. "Will ya wait until I've introduced her, you great ruddy berk?"

Devon scowled back. "Hey! I already know who Cordelia is, asshole. Come on, Cordy! Go, go!"

Spike gave up in disgust. "All right, then. Cordelia, you're on."

Ms. Chase stepped up for her speech. "Thank you..." She paused, looking at Xander somewhat nervously. "First of all, I'd like to thank all of you wonderful people, for allowing me to be here today in this wonderful contest..."

She then noticed Xander writing notes on a sheet of paper, and grew even more nervous. "It really is a wonderful experience...an-and it...jus...just makes a girl feel wonderful."

Devon shouted, "That's my girl! Isn't she's wonderful?"

Cordelia ignored him, still focused on Xander. "Second of all, I'd like to thank all of you marvelous people, for allowing me to be in this marvelous contest. It really is a marvelous experience, and it makes a girl feel marvelous!"

Devon cheered, "Marvelous! Marvelous!"

"Thirdly..."

But Spike interrupted her. "Thank you, Cordelia. But I think we all got the bloody gist by now..."

Cordelia wasn't ready to give up on her attempts to impress her ex-boyfriend, though. "But I...I'm not finished yet! Thank you for allowing me to be in this terrific contest..."

Spike shrugged, "Sorry, luv, but your time..." He started pushing Cordelia off the stage. "...is up!"

The brunette said desperately, "It really is a terrific experience, and it makes me..."

William finished his so-called bum's rush. "Thank you very much!" as Ms. Chase reluctantly sat down.

Devon shouted, "Terrific! Terrific!"

Xander was busy at his table, writing something down. Spike glanced at the judge for a few moments, and then quickly decided to get on with the show. "And now for our third contestant, Buffy!"

Buffy made her way on stage to address the audience and judge. But before she could say anything Angel shouted out, "Go, Buffy! Give it to 'em with both barrels!"

The Slayer smiled at him, before looking to her old 'one of the girls' man pal. "Okay, I'm not going to make an unrehearsed speech, or a speech that's WONDERFUL! MARVELOUS! TERRIFIC! I'm just going to say thank you Judge Xander, for being the best guy friend a Slayer could ever and has ever had."

Xander looked happy, and yet also a bit embarrassed at hearing that. And Angel appeared ecstatic, upon noticing the positive response from the swing vote in question. "Yes! Bravo! Encore!"

Spike sighed, "Yeah, yeah, thank you Angelus, but that's enough..." He paused, trying to remember what came next. "Oh, right. There'll now be a five-minute break for a costume change, before we commence with the talent competition. We'll start this up again soon, so everyone go 'ave a drink or whatever, till then..."

Everyone looked around, and saw Xander writing some more on his paper. Devon started up his nervous whistling again, as Angel looked at him a bit uncertainly. "Well, this is good. I-I'd say things are going well..."

MacLeish instantly disagreed. "For us, maybe!"

The former Scourge of Europe looked incredulous. "Sure, they're WONDEFUL! MARVELOUS! TERRIFIC!"

"Hey, at least MY aspirations for success aren't based on the slim hope that Harris was impressed by the cheesy old friendship-schmendship shtick!"

They glared fiercely at one another. And five minutes later, Spike was on stage to make the introductions again, as the contest got ready to resume. "And now, to open the talent competition, Willow will perform a dance number."

Xander looked surprised at hearing that. And this time Devon and Angel applauded heartily for the redhead, as MacLeish even started to whistle a little for her. "All right!" "Knock 'em dead, Willow!"

Spike then tried to get the music system salvaged from the shipwreck to start working, but the former lead singer for 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' quickly noticed that something was wrong. "What's up, Spike? You having trouble with that thing?"

William shook his head, male pride preventing him from asking for assistance. "Ah, no, just hang on a tick..."

Devon looked instantly annoyed. "Man, 120 years old - and you suck at modern technology, don't you? I bet you can't even program your VCR! Fine, I'll help you..."

Devon got up, and almost stepped into a bucket in his way. "I almost stepped in the glue! Who left that there?"

He stepped around the bucket and walked off, as Angel got an idea and mouthed the word 'glue?' to himself. The former vampire then got up and grabbed the bucket; making sure that he was unobserved, Liam v2.0 then started to pour some glue onto the stage, placing a puddle of the stuff on the floor.

Angel then headed back to his seat, as Devon finally got the music system working. Spike just waved him off, annoyed that the other guy had succeeded where he'd failed. "Right then, all o' you...take yer seats, please."

Devon and Angel sat back down. Then the music started, as Willow walked out onto the stage and got stuck into her rather awkward Snoopy dance. Well, at least it wasn't singing opera...

Xander was smiling as the redhead started to get down and boogie, a hundred fond memories from childhood obviously running through his brain. Willow kept dancing to the music, but then suddenly as she moved...her right foot plopped down right into the middle of the glue puddle, and got firmly stuck.

Willow looked down, appearing perplexed. As she tried to free herself, Xander started staring curiously at Willow, as did Devon and Angel. The redhead struggled gamely to get loose, while she continued to try and dance. But it soon became obvious that her efforts were a completely lost cause, and eventually she gave up in tears.

Spike ran to her aid at once, of course. "Willow, luv, what's the matter?"

Willow replied in shame, "Oh God, I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life! Look!"

Spike stared down at the floor. "Wha...what, what is that?"

Devon looked concerned from his seat. "Something wrong, Willow?"

Willow gestured, "My shoe..."

The musician got up and went over to the stage. "What is it? What's..."

The redhead raised her leg, and stared at the sticky mess underneath her foot. "Glue, I guess!"

Devon couldn't believe it. "Glue?" He started looking around for the bucket, but Angel had hidden it safely out of sight. And unseen by the others, Xander was writing on a piece of paper again...

Spike suddenly knew who had done it, and stormed off towards Angel. "Oh, you right bastard! Angelus, you deliberately put that glue on the bloody stage!"

Angel patted Spike's black leather duster with a smirk. "Oh man, now that's sad - you're really reaching, Spike. I mean, where would I get glue?"

The 250-year-old guy then saw glue on Spike's coat, which had come from his hand. The Englishman quickly noticed it too... "I mean, uh, this coat that you took off that dead Slayer, way back when? You definitely need a change of wardrobe here, Willy. We're living in the tropics now, after all..."

Spike just looked furious. "That's it, mate, two can play at that game!"

But suddenly remembering his role as the master of ceremonies, William then stormed up on stage to announce the next part of the show. "Because of the unfair Slayer advantage thing, apparently the next contestant isn't gonna be doing anything athletic. So, uh, Buffy will be reciting a dramatic poem!"

Xander again looked surprised, whilst Angel looked happy. "Okay! Let's hear it!"

Ms. Summers came out on stage, as William jumped down; she was nervous but ready to do this thing that Angel had suggested and practiced with her, after they'd decided on one of the greatest works ever written by W.B. Yeats. "Right, uh, here goes..."

Spike was upset as the Buffster began her poem, and understandably so. He started searching for something to get back at Angel. The former vampire suddenly spied a pepper shaker on a nearby table, and quickly got himself an idea...

Ms. Summers was really getting into her performance, "...I balanced all, brought all to mind..."

But then in the middle of the recitation, thanks to Spike's pepper hitting her - she sneezed. Xander looked up, after hearing Buffy do that, but said nothing.

The Slayer sneezed again, "Ah...choo! Excuse me. The years..." Spike shook more pepper in his hand, and blew it at her. "...to come seemed..." She sneezed twice more. "...waste of breath..."

Once again, Spike blew pepper at Buffy as the girl said, "...A waste of breath the years..."

Angel witnessed his wife go through two more sneezing fits, and looked on in dismay; briefly glancing at Xander, he then cringed in horror at the unimpressed look on the judge's face...

Buffy finally exclaimed, "Oh, God, I can't do this anymore!" Eyes watering, she sneezed another three times. Ms. Summers subsequently ran off the stage, still sneezing violently.

Spike took his place on the platform, with a slight smile on his face. "Thank you very much for that...riveting performance, Slayer-"

Angel got up in a furious rage. "You had something to do with that, Captain Peroxide, and don't even try to tell me you didn't!"

William just smirked, "Hell, Peaches, I 'aven't the slightest idea what you're goin' on about!"

Angel started to say, "Well, I think-"

Devon stood up, with a big smile on his face. "I'll tell you what I think! You both just canceled yourselves out of the competition! Ha! Well, I guess we all know whose girl is gonna win now!"

Once again, Xander was writing something on a piece of paper, and this time all three guys noticed him doing it. Spike didn't admit defeat yet though, "We'll see about that!"

Angel instantly agreed, "Hell, yeah!"

Devon didn't falter for an instant in the certainty of his convictions. "Oh, face it, you've both lost already. So why don't you two just sit down?"

But Spike and Angel walked off, leaving Devon one very happy guy. He then took over Spike's role and said to the empty audience, "And now for the final contestant in the talent competition, Cordelia!"

Devon started the music, as Xander sat there looking bored again. Cordy then came out from around the curtain in a rather provocative way, as her musical number began; something that she had decided on, instead of the acting thing Xander had already witnessed.

And to almost everyone's surprise, her singing voice was much better than they remembered it to be...in the talent show during sophomore year...

Not far away, Angel took out a couple of bamboo straws that he planned on using as blowguns. He saw Spike watching him, and with a shrug gave him one. William the Bloody quickly got the idea, and started to smile.

Cordelia continued with singing "The Greatest Love Of All", her favorite song by Whitney Houston, as Xander suddenly got an icky look on his face - as he realized what the lyrics were implying. And then Spike let loose with a high-speed spit wad.

The missile quickly struck Cordelia, making her flinch with pain. "Ow!"

Queen C then just turned back to face the audience, and tried to continue. Xander had a mildly surprised look on his face at the sudden interruption; and Cordy gamely got on with the show, as she walked towards the front of the stage. But Spike and Angel let loose once more, and as the wads hit her she squealed in pain. "Ow! Ooooh!"

Both men then fired off another volley of shots, each one finding its mark. Poor old Cordelia was getting pelted with spit wads here, and simply couldn't get on with her routine anymore. "Ow! No! Stop it! I can't! Ohhh! Damn it!"

She then ran off the stage, still being mercilessly shot at. Finally calling it quits though, Spike and Angel then stared at each other a short distance away, as Devon briefly stared at Xander in panicked apprehension. Angel said simply, "So, now we're even?"

"Works for me, mate..."

The two former vamps shook hands on it, with a grin. The older man then took the straw from the younger one, "Remember what happened on that sub, during World War Two? Always hide the evidence..."

* * *

A short while later after the swimsuit parade was over, Xander was sitting at the table with all his papers as he finished writing something. Then he looked up, and addressed everyone, "Okay, I'm ready..."

Devon was instantly alert. "All right, dude, then get up there on the stage and announce it!"

Angel nodded, "Here, lemme help you!" He obsequiously helped Xander up onto the wooden platform, still hoping to earn some more points even at this late stage.

Harris turned around for a moment, "Thanks. Okay, ladies, please be seated..."

The three girls took their assigned seats, all of 'em fidgeting in anticipation. Xander then said to the women, "Now, first of all, I'd like to say that every contestant here today is very beautiful, absolute knockouts each and every one of you - and, uh, all of you deserve to win here today."

Angel shrugged. "Fine, very charmingly put..."

Devon was too impatient for answers, though. "Never mind that now, Xander! Who actually won?"

The judge said somewhat nervously, "Well, with all due respect to candidate number one, and candidate number two, and candidate number three, my deciding vote goes to...candidate number, four!"

Cordelia, Buffy and Willow instantly got up and exclaimed, "Four?"

The male members of the audience were suddenly mad at their perceived failure to win. So, they all turned on Xander in an instant...

Angel shouted out to the contest judge, "Hey, you knucklehead! There were only three candidates!"

Spike added his opinion, "Yeah, not four! Bloody idiot..."

Devon was a bit calmer than the other others, though. "What are you talking about, Harris?"

Xander shrugged. "Well, I had my own candidate-"

The guys didn't get it, and didn't even want to. Devon demanded, "You had your own contestant?"

Spike couldn't believe it. "WHAT? You had what?"

Angel then wanted to know, "What contestant?"

Xander gestured. "Here, I'll show you. Miss Castaway?" he shouted out.

Finally overcoming her fear of the humans Drusilla the ape ran onto the stage, and she had on a Miss Castaway banner that read 'QUEEN D' across her body. Upon seeing this Devon, Angel and Spike were in a state of numb disbelief.

The Irish guy stammered, "This is not happening. This is NOT happening! Is it? Because I've never seen anything like this before, in my entire life!"

Spike was in complete agreement. "Same 'ere!"

Devon suddenly got a strange look on his face and asked his two companions, "Is this even allowed, according to the contest rules?"

Up on the stage platform Buffy, Cordelia and Willow were in no better a mood with their former high school classmate. Buffy demanded, "A monkey?"

Grunting, the obviously-angry female simian started banging her chest as the judge said nervously, "Well, Dru's actually an ape if you wanna get technical-"

Cordelia just said, "Xander Harris, are you out of your so-called miniscule mind?"

Willow nodded at the contest winner, "You really think that she's more beautiful than we are?"

Buffy then demanded, "And you actually call yourself a Slayerette?"

Xander had the good grace to appear somewhat embarrassed. "Uh, well - that's the problem right there, Buff. 'Cause we're all castaways here, except for her."

Angel shouted, "So, what the hell's that got to do with it?"

Xander looked at him, "Well, I've heard that in any national beauty contest you have to be a native of the country to enter it, and she's the only one who was born on the island..."

Spike instantly got a look of horror on his face. "Oh, God no. The stupid git actually has a point there!"

Harris then went on, demonstrating a remarkably keen sense of self-preservation, "And besides, if I picked any one of the girls over the other two, I'd get my ass into really huge trouble! Not to mention the fact, that I'd never hear the end of it from the losers."

Devon shrugged. "Yeah, he's got a point there too!"

Xander finished up, "And if I pick Drusilla, I can't get into any trouble..."

But just then the ape made her way towards Xander, lovingly picked him up and laid him over her shoulder. "...I don't think? Druuuuu!"

Drusilla took off with Harris into the jungle, as the others just watched; not sure if they were dreaming or not. Angel and Spike still scowling over the insult to their respective childe and sire, of course.

But either way, it seemed that Xander's luck with non-human women was still firmly in place - even while he was stuck here on the island...

* * *

****

Epilogue: The Decision

A short while later Harris was alone in his hut, attending to the lumps and lacerations accrued as a result of his wild trip through the trees - thanks to his friendly neighborhood ape wanting to take him on a joyride.

Suddenly, Cordelia Chase knocked and came into his domicile. "Hey. You okay?"

"Sure," Xander winced, as he pressed a cold compress against his side. "Peachy. With a side of keen, even."

Cordy hesitated. "Look, about what I said before...about that 'miniscule mind' crack..."

Her ex instantly brushed it aside. "Forget it. And it's not like you didn't call me a lot worse, 18 months ago!"

Ms. Chase sighed. "Yeah, about that...look, Xander, we should put all that behind us once and for all, don't you think? I mean, we may be trapped here on this island for a long, long time...and call me crazy, but I'd prefer we didn't resort to the old name-calling routine every five minutes! It's getting old."

Xander shrugged. "Fine with me," he said. "Is there anything else?"

Cordy didn't like the dismissive attitude. "I just wanted to come here and say sorry, okay?"

"For what?" Xander asked.

"Because I got way too caught up in that stupid contest, and I...I helped put you in a really tight spot. I mean, I thought about it, and I guess you made the only decision you could...because I know how much you care about Buffy and Willow..."

Incredibly, Xander smiled. "And you don't think I care about you?"

"Not as much as you do about them, no."

Xander kept smiling. "It's kinda funny, Cor, but you're dead wrong there. Because I DO care just as much about you! Why else would Devon's attempt to influence my decision have had such an impact?"

He then explained about the three meetings with the three guys in question, at Cordelia's insistence. "God! What the hell were they thinking? Don't they even know you at all?" the young woman exclaimed.

Harris shrugged. "Sometimes, I gotta wonder. But thing is - I see more than anybody realizes, because nobody really notices me. That's how I know that if we aren't rescued within six months - at the most - Spike and Willow are gonna make it official, and eventually move in together. And within a year, you and Devon are also gonna be entering the realm of couplehood..."

"WHAT?" the Chase woman shouted in disbelief, as she whirled around to face Xander.

"Process of elimination. After all, with everyone else paired off, it's gonna come down to a choice between me and him - and we both know with our history, there's no way you're ever gonna be Mrs. Cordelia Harris, so..."

"I can NOT believe how STUPID you can be sometimes, you asshole!" Cordelia screeched, more upset at his words than even she had expected. "I came here to offer an apology, to try to make things right between us - and THIS is what I get for my trouble? You're a complete moron!"

She turned away, before Xander's voice stopped her cold. "And you're obviously not the spoiled princess I once knew, not anymore. Oh yeah - I see you, Cordelia Chase. You're someone special now. Someone extraordinary, that I'd be proud to call a friend - if you'll let me."

The former Queen C turned to face Xander Harris, and stared at him. And she honestly didn't know what to say, as the girl was suddenly awash in a swirl of conflicted feelings for the dark-haired guy. Suddenly, she spied his collection of papers that Xander had used to make notes during the beauty contest; so changing the subject, Cordy asked, "Hey, how well did I do during the various events in that contest, anyway?"

Xander saw where she was looking, and desperately said, "No, Cordy, don't-!"

But it was too late, as Cordelia strode over and examined his notes. "Tic-tac-toe!" she demanded. "And on every page?"

Xander said with a crooked grin, "Can I help it if I got bored very easily, during that entire thing?"

Ms. Chase threw the papers at him, and stalked out of the hut. And as soon as she told everyone, Xander had no doubt that none of the other castaways were going to speak to him for at least a week.

Ah, well, life wasn't meant to be easy...

**The End**


End file.
